Home is… where?

An absence of purpose.

If there are readers out there that have wondered at my absence these past few months, I was collecting new thoughts from new changes and new challenges.

It’s amazing how the concept of ‘home’ can surface in more than just as your dwelling of residence. Even then, the place you live is not necessarily ‘homely’. You don’t always feel at ease, safe and secure in your abode, or with your housemates. There are different places and people I feel at home with, even streets, parks and rivers. One thing I have struggled to find since the passing of my beloved mum is the place I reside to have that feeling of ‘home’. A sense of feeling safe, at ease, settled. Yes, this was a spiritual, emotional and mental residence I have been continuously working on within myself, but also of a literal sense. I required a residence that I felt ‘at home’ in. Retrospectively I realise that so much of this came down to my inner quest, I nevertheless spent a decade uneasy. I tried to dress up my surroundings but to no avail. I pretended to cook for myself and keep a domestic life, but I could see no point in doing so. I was constantly ready for the next event to necessitate another move to spring up from nowhere.

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Autumn in Coburg, Vic

I eventually found it, a little piece of paradise that was my own home, and moving from it after nearly three years was my own choice. I found it here, too, in the wonderful suburb of Coburg. I got to spend three months in an old, dingy house, constantly cold but feeling safe and at peace. I found a routine and also found joy in every moment I walked out into my neighbourhood. My soul has claimed Coburg, and the northern suburbs of Melbourne as a whole, as its spiritual home. It’s funny how, after spending a seemingly infinite amount of years altering and adapting yourself, the moment you feel you can finally take a leap forward and let out that long-held breath is the moment when the world decides to test your assurances. Yet, that doesn’t need to be a bad thing, nor does it need to send you reeling backwards. In fact, sometimes it is just that final bump in the road that is needed to jolt you into place.

The passing of my housemate in Coburg was sudden although, in retrospect, not really surprising. A friend I made earlier this year at ‘school’, we had a friendly and warm dynamic in the old stone house. After being notified of her death, I immediately reverted to fight or flight, and stayed that way for weeks, instantly in crisis over where to go and what to do. The decades of PTSD training my brain had undergone had made it a master of meltdown, yet I still somehow found myself a roof over my head.

And what a roof…

After my freefall of fear, I landed safely on my feet in shoes of cushions… no shockwaves or hard landing. My new home is two bedrooms, quite spacious, and has a cute little courtyard with luscious garden. Most importantly my housemate instantly felt like home. Two weeks felt like two months, two months like two decades. A kindred spirit, we spent my first night in the house laughing until it hurt. She is one more family member I never expected, particularly in such a short amount of time.

She has provided such solid friendship, love, support and laughter in such a short amount of time, and it is hard to believe I haven’t known her forever. In my anxieties about assignments, she has encouraged me without pressure. In my moments of self-doubt, she has pointed out my awesome without being condescending. My chemical imbalances and overall temperament have been more balanced in the four months I’ve lived here, and the calm has been almost surreal.

I may still be terrified of the path I have chosen for myself and may often feel like I’m too old to be single and childless, but I feel like I’m truly home for the first time in years. Whatever happens from here I can handle it from a safe and secure space.

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Choose (your) life

People can change, they just need to want to…

As these are meant to be about change in some way or other, I would like to first speak of making a choice. As I have mentioned in a past post, some changes can come about organically. Yet I understand this is still a choice; one must be open to that change, whether it is of an emotional, mental, physical or spiritual nature. I am grateful every day to now be in a place that, though I’m still human and in no way perfect, I am living in a state of fluidity. I allow myself those moments of stubborn resistance when they spring up, but I am self-aware and push myself to resist the urge to dwell in those moments. After all, familiarity is comfortable and easy, no matter how negative it may be. But I choose to live my life now, and no longer to make others happy, or keep the peace, or because it’s what I ‘should’ be doing. That means that the fluid nature of the way I feel now opens up a lot more options to change and for me to embrace them with open arms.

I was a carefully chosen recipient of an email this morning. Continue reading “Choose (your) life”

It takes a village

Today was Mother’s Day. I guess at 9:40 pm I should say that today IS Mother’s Day. Either way, it is an event I have not really had to deal with for 14 years now, yet it always deals with me. Surely by now, I would be OK; it’s not her birthday, or anniversary, or even Christmas. I guess in ways I am, but it seems to always creep up and catch me by surprise. It’s so regular though, I wonder why the surprise still occurs. Still, I have spent the day trying to read for assignments, trawling social media and walking around my new favourite suburb, all the while wondering why I was so restless. Until a dear friend relayed the love, thoughts and encouragement of her parents, who I hold so dear. It’s then that it really hit me, and the lid slid on the big gaping hole in my life. But I want to make it clear that it is not the grief or the feeling of loss that defines me, it is more about the ability to acknowledge that loss and still exist.  Continue reading “It takes a village”

Return to Wonderland

It has taken a lot of overthinking and conquering of fear in order for me to return to studies as a mature(ish) aged student. True, I had returned in 2012 to begin my process, and if I hadn’t done that I would never have learned the important things that I did about myself. The fact I didn’t complete everything required does not speak of my character, I attended every class, I made friends and had great feedback and response from teachers. It rather speaks of the fact it was not the right time in my life and I needed to face some things and learn a lot about how I work as a human being in order to continue on that path. Continue reading “Return to Wonderland”

City vs Country

It strikes me as odd that a girl from the country can be so comfortable in the city. I mean, anyone who thinks Canberra as a ‘city’ is deluded, because it’s really just a large country town. But that’s not what I mean about being a country girl.

I was born in a small town on the Murray River, where the river red gums stand tall and proud and the Murray cod are only good for fertiliser or yabby bait. Continue reading “City vs Country”

When assessments are fun

To be completely honest with you, if you’re still out there, dear reader, I entered the blogosphere for an assignment. Almost each of these “entries” has, thus far, been written in diary form on Word. Through my research of other blogs and layouts, I stumbled across a godsend, a shining ray of light in the form of Design for Mankind. This glorious blog was recommended by another I had found in my random Google search of ‘life blogs’ (I like a challenge), Gimme Some Oven. Though GSO seemed to be my kind of blog (?!), it was the *right-click-open-in-new-tab* action that brought me to the incredible voice of Erin Loechner.

Her entry sitting at the top of her page from the 9th March called to me instantly:
Blogging Tips. Hazzah! The very thing I had been looking for. Boy did I find that life raft in time; I had started to doubt I actually knew what I was doing. Reading her words calmed me greatly. Continue reading “When assessments are fun”

You can’t pick ’em

What’s that old saying; ‘You can’t pick your family’?

I guess, technically, that’s true. Although there are one or two people that I am happy to deselect from my family, along with some very special friends who I have chosen to be a part of it. And you know what, there are so many I have been born with that I would choose all over again if I had the choice. Continue reading “You can’t pick ’em”